When I was a teenager I had one goal - get married and have babies. I was mature in a lot of ways but immature in others. I married at 19 and had my first baby just before turning 21. We were poor because neither of us had "careers" only jobs that paid mediocre salaries. As I met other young married couples who seemed to have it all together I began to feel very inferior. A lot of these couples were "waiting" to have babies for when they had enough money or made room for them in their lives. I always felt like I must be a major screw-up because I didn't plan. I started hearing buzz words like "planned parenthood." Always in the back of my mind was this niggling little doubt about my ability to become a mature adult if I didn't "plan" for children and carve out a career before trying to reach my goal of being a mommy.
I am now 54 years old, my 5 children are all grown up, most of them married, and many of them having babies of their own. They all have wonderful G-dly character and are trying to walk a Torah lifestyle. I can't ask for much more than that.
This morning as I was reading a devotion something in the author's words reminded me of this battle I had with doubting my ability to be a responsible parent since I "didn't plan" for children - I just gave in to my desire and had babies. The devotion had nothing to do with planned parenthood by the way but the author shared a verse I love from Psalm 139 - "For you formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. - vs 13 and continuing on in verse 15 - "My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them." The author's words in the devotion that triggered this memory were these: "we were created by the One who knows us best and loves us most. There are no accidents with G-d. He never has to say, "Oops!" Before we were ever conceived in the heart and mind of MAN, we were conceived in the heart and mind of G-d."
Isn't this awesome?!
The author goes on to say that we were wanted, loved, AND planned since BEFORE the world began! She's right....Psalm 139 is scripture proof of her words. I've read Psalm 139 hundreds of times but this morning the intensity and truth of these central verses were a sword pentrating my mind and soul. First of all, I was not a "screw-up" because I wanted to have babies - that is one thing G-d created me for as a woman. And I believe He put the desire for those babies in my heart. Not only did He plant the desire.....He planted those seeds in my womb. My babies were also thought about and planned by their heavenly Father before their earthly parents ever could. I am filled with awe when I think of this.
We are all precious in G-d's sight. Not one hair on our head has ever gone unnoticed by Him. Every child that has been assaulted, maimed, or mistreated and sadly killed before they had a chance to live their lives has not been forgotten by G-d. One day He will raise their precious bodies and restore life to them and they will live with Him in eternity. He will be a Father to them and they will be glorified in Him.
For us who have been given the privilege of living our lives on this earth, we can give our hearts to the One who planned for us and has plans for us and we too shall be raised on that day to live with Him in eternity.
Search me, O G-d, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.