It will come about after this, that I will pour out My Spirit on all mankind; and your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions.Last night I woke up screaming - you know the kind of scream where you are deep in a dream and it seems like you can't really scream but there is some noise coming out of your mouth? I woke up with my husband consoling me and trying to calm me down. I was still in the throes of sleep but I remember that his soft words of comfort dispelled the evilness attached to the dream. There was a tremendous heaviness on my whole being and I felt it within and all around me.
I got up to use the restroom and began thinking about the dream and felt that there was some meaning attached that I needed to delve into. I do believe G-d can communicate to us through our dreams and to me the proof that it is G-d is that the impressions will cause me to search within myself and come clean or repent of wrong behavior, actions, thoughts, etc. G-d is Spirit and He can communciate to us through our spirit.
I went and sat in my rocking chair with my journal and attempted to recall the dream. It was difficult to put it into words and make some sense out of it and I always find that interesting; that while we are dreaming the visions and impressions all make sense but when we wake up and try to describe it we usually can't do it adequately.
As I was recalling the dream I remembered a book I am reading right now and realize that it may have something to do with the fact that I've been aware of my dreams for the last two weeks which is a little unusual for me. I know I probably dream most nights but rarely do I remember or am impressed by them. The book I am currently reading is by Robert Whitlow and is called, "Mountain Top." It's about a lawyer turned Pastor who is asked to become a lawyer one last time for a man who has dreams that come true and serve as warning most times. It challenges this Pastor to go deeper with G-d and he slowly changes his mind about this man who most of the town despises.
But even though I feel that the book may have prompted the dream I am always listening for G-d to speak to me and there seems to always be this yearning inside me to want His opinions to guide me. So I sat there with my journal and put on paper as best I could what the dream was about. Some of what I wrote was actually what I felt G-d was speaking to me through the dream and not the dream itself which I guess is fine since that is the real purpose anyway. I believe the evilness I felt was really a warning. The gist of the dream was to show what can happen if we become attached to the world and the things of the world. I've read those scriptures many times but last nights dream really made me understand how dangerous it is to become entrenched in the things of this world.
In my dream there were these dolls that were my possessions. I did not want to share these dolls and didn't want anyone to have them or touch them. They were all mine. I believe these dolls represented opinions and viewpoints more so than actual possessions. But in my dream I wanted to make some life change - not sure what but I couldn't make this change unless I gave up the dolls. This is where the evilness comes in; because I could not extricate myself from these dolls. When I tried to put them down or away from me these extremely strong, with an incredible magnetic force attached themselves to my hands and had these large sharp tabs that embedded themselves in my hands. Trying to pull them out only produced more as if they were being shot from a nail gun. Other people even tried to help me but it only increased the onslaught until it became obvious that it was an impossibility.
That is where I started screaming and was awakened by my husband stroking me and calming me down. But that also became part of the message G-d was giving me; I can't push people away because I need them - we need them - to help us, love us, convict us....we need each other.
I loved my parents and always tried to be respectful and submissive. Having said that I can say this: Even though they were good parents, they were not perfect and there are some "sins" that were passed down to me. Namely, from my father there is a character trait that I always hated in him (even though I loved him) and now I see this character trait in me. Just like he did, I find myself pushing people away. Even people I love more than myself - family. I don't know what motivates this except that I feel more in my comfort zone when I am alone. Comfort zone cravings deprive us of things G-d would like to bless us with. The dream showed me I resisted Him by pushing Him away just like I do other loved ones in my life. But my husband waking me and consoling me rubbed salt in the wounds of these actions. I felt better by having him wake me and comfort me and needed him. G-d put him in my life - isn't it the enemy then who would like his influence out of my life as well as others G-d has put there? Need I say more?
I was very depressed and weighed down this morning as I woke and remembered my struggle of the night. But I was also grateful that the Holy Spirit pursues me and never gives up on me. When I was 6 years old I prayed and asked G-d to never leave me and to make sure that I make it into heaven - NO MATTER WHAT! And He has kept His promise these 54 years of my life so far.
Shavuot is soon approaching and each feast day seems to have its way of bringing us to the altar of forgiveness. Shavuot has always been a time for relationship restorations in our family. I'm thankful for this summer of counting the omer and anticipate the time under the Tallit this year to repent and receive restoration (Psalm 51).