Tuesday, June 28, 2011

G-d Sufficient <> NOT <> Self-Sufficient

This morning as my husband was doing his morning prayers over us he prayed for healing and help with losing weight which we are both trying to do.  As he prayed I thought of the phrase, "will-power" which led me to then think of self-sufficiency but I was quickly admonished in my spirit and reminded that it isn't my strength, power or sufficiency that I can lean on for help....it's G-d's sufficient power that gives me strength to do His will which is what Grace is. 

Many people believe or treat the words mercy and grace as synonyms which they are not.  Mercy is G-d's unmerited favor bestowed on us in love through the blood of G-d's precious Son Yeshua HaMashiach.  The definition of grace that I love, I first heard from a Rabbi many years ago.  I'm not sure if he coined the phrase or if it's actually in the dictionary but he said grace is "the power and might to do G-d's will."  I love that definition.  It perfectly articulates the meaning and conveys how we can rely on G-d and what deliverance truly is.

Sometimes G-d may choose to deliver someone instantaneously but I have not had the privilege of seeing this too many times.  Most times, in my opinion, deliverance is a process.  I've experienced it and had to learn how Grace works and how to apply it.

Many years ago I was struck with the demon of jealousy.  If you don't think jealousy is a demon you are sadly mistaken.  I knew when the demon attached himself to me - it was after I deceptively did not forgive my husband for something he asked forgiveness for.  It wasn't a major infraction as infractions go but it was a bad habit that he had maintained for many years and when he realized it he confessed it to me and asked me to forgive him.  On the outside I said yes but in my mind I was thinking, "you've done this to me for 10 years now and all of a sudden you're over it and I'm just supposed to say OK and go on with life?"  I did not realize it at that moment; it was a few months later but that thought and action of unforgiveness allowed that demon my husband was extinguishing with confession to jump on and attach itself to me because of unforgiveness.

I also knew it was a demon because of what it provoked in me.  I didn't just have a feeling or thought....I acted on that thought and feeling.  I was accusatory and angry to the point of venomous attacks on my husband.  It was almost like a drunken binge even to the extent that the next morning I would reflect on what I had done and could not believe what I had done nor could I conjour up the feelings that had provoked those actions in the first place. 

I had never felt any jealousy in all of our marriage.  I trusted my husband and his affections for me but very soon after this incident I began experiencing jealous feelings for very stupid things that really were of no consequence.  These feelings grew and grew until I really realized I was fighting a demon and a "monkey on my back" that I could not seem to overcome.

I did everything I could think of:  I prayed on my knees, I fasted, I repented, I cried out to G-d, I had prayer for myself, etc., etc., etc.  all to know avail!  It was during this time of fierce struggle that the L-rd took me back to that instance when my husband asked for forgiveness and I refused.  The L-rd showed me how unforgiveness on my part resulted in that demon being able to latch on to me.  Now I had to figure out how to overcome it.  I knew I could because of scripture but I had to somehow get deliverance which seemed easier to say than do.

One day I was speaking with a lady about deliverance and she said something so profound it rocked my world.  Her statement to me was this:  "Deliverance is a PROCESS!"  I immediately thought of that definition of grace and realized that I had to work in partnership with G-d.  He wasn't going to tap my head with a magic wand and make the jealousy go away.  I had to be an active participant.  I had the power - G-d gave it to me but I had to use it just like you use a weapon.  A gun can be sitting on the seat next to me but it isn't going to wield it's power unless I pick it up and fire it.  Something was required of me and now that I realized it I needed to put it into action.

The next time I felt that jealous feeling that so over-whelmed me and controlled me I literally had to use a lot of mental force to refuse to allow it to take over and cause me to react and lash out.  I had such a feeling of victory that first time but it wasn't the end.  It took a few years for me to really be rid of it.  I had some victories and I had some failures but eventually the bad habit of reacting to satan's attacks on me were replaced by standing on G-d's Word and wielding the power He had graced me with.  That was deliverance. 

If you are battling something that seems bigger than you, ask G-d for more Grace and determine in your spirit to obey G-d.  Just take it one step at a time.  Eventually you will overcome the enemy by the blood of Yeshua, by the word of your testimony and because you love NOT your life even when faced with death.  Revelations 12:11

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